First Dates

DD is having her first date tonight. As her parents we are both excited and worried. Excited for her to have reached this milestone in her life…and worried because she is going to be alone with a BOY for several hours in a dark movie theater! Lol…

I also had NO idea what to say to the BOY when he came over to pick her up. Were we supposed to do the “Dad with the shotgun” routine? (Not that we own any guns, mind you.) Or were we supposed to be “Cool and laid back?” Basically we were letting our DD go off with a complete stranger. Eeep!

Hearing of our dilemma, one friend suggested we get a TRUNK MONKEY:

Lol! And another friend sent me THIS:


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron


8 thoughts on “First Dates

  1. Nancy

    I can think of a couple more rules, but think it’s pretty well covered!! As a mother of one grown daughter & son. With grandaughters on the way up. Keep it coming I think it’s great!!

  2. Demetria

    This is sooo funny. Hilmarose directed me to you blog to see this. I have seen the trunk monkey commercial…. and OH MY GOODNESS that is HILARIOUS!!!!!

    I would love to give this to the guy that dates my neices and goddaughter when it is there first date (since I dont’ have kids YET)

  3. Kristine/SHS

    My dh has planned his routine for years, shirtless, messy hair (what’s left anyway), shotgun, knife throwing act. All I can say is poor dd, but he’s just trying to protect her from boys like him. (Just kidding about that last part–and part of the first part too!)

  4. Cynthia

    It’s been awhile since I’ve seen this list. I’ts SO FUNNY! Hope the date went well. Our oldest dd chose to not date in high school so we haven’t had to go down this road yet.

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